Funnies for the day

DEATH
> 
> "DO
> YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF
> HIS EMPLOYEES. 
> "YES, SIR," THE
> NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. 
> "WELL, THEN,
> THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON.
> "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR
> GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE
> YOU!"
>  
> 
> PALM
> SUNDAY 
> IT WAS
> PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD
> JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE
> FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM
> BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE
> HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." 
> "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY
> FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS
> UP!"  
> 
> CHILDREN'S
> SERMON 
> ONE
> EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE
> CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND
> PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE
> CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I
> KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !!
> "  
> 
> SUPPORT
> A FAMILY 
> THE
> PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU
> SUPPORT A FAMILY?" 
> THE SURPRISED
> GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO
> SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR
> YOURSELVES."  
> 
> FIRST
> TIME USHERS 
> A LITTLE
> BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS
> PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
> WHEN THEY
> CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY
> FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."
>  
>  
>  
> CLIMB
> THE WALLS 
> "OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE
> LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE.
> "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN
> PROMISING US." 
> THE GRANDMOTHER WAS
> CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. 
> "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD
> CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY
> ANSWERED.  
>  
> THE
> WATER PISTOL 
> WHEN MY
> THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS
> GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH
> DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. 
> I
> WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M
> SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO
> DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" 
> MOM
> SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I
> REMEMBER!!"  
> 
> GRANDMA'S
> AGE 
> LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE
> WAS. 
> GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND
> HOLDING." 
> JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT,
> AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET
> GO?"