Very funny Book Report on the Bible

-------- Original message --------
From: Pamb <>
Date: 05/18/2015 3:28 PM (GMT-06:00)
To: Klaustermeier Jeremy <>
Subject: Fw: Book Report

Pastor, I haven't read all of this, but thought it might be good entertainment sometime along the way in the hospital.  Pamb


  Subj: Childs report on the Bible
Book report on the entire Bible (ENJOY! !)

I am glad that I did not need to grade this paper. The young man has
real talent though. A little shaky on dates but good chronology. A
sixth grade child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
Here is what he wrote;

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing
but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,"The Lord thy God is
one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were
driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in
though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was
Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but
one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for
some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil
Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them
His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance,
or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over
on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very
wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of
these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on
the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we 
don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of
The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had
been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close
the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a
matter of fact, I was.'')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst
one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to
some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put
Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He
went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

(Nothing bad will happen if you don't forward this, but if you do
forward this delightful story you'll make someone LAUGH today, and
they'll keep spreading the laughter by sending it on!!)
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Monday, May 18, 2015

DEVOTION: Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.  Proverbs 12:1
As most of you know, Cara is having surgery tomorrow.  She will be having her ribcage repaired by the doctor taking out the cartilage and repositioning the bones to where they should be.  Then he will put a titanium rod, maybe two, in place to keep the bones positioned correctly so that the cartilage grows back where it should. 
She will have a long road of recovery, but when she is done with it she will feel like a new person!  She will be able to breath better, since now her lungs are only at 80% capacity.  Her ribs and her back won't hurt her anymore.  It'll be wonderful..... if she follows the doctors instructions that is. 
She will have to wear a protective brace/covering every time she gets up out of bed for a long time.  I hate to even think about would happen if she didn't?  She could severely injure herself and ruin her recovery.  She isn't supposed to lift anything for a long time.  I hate to think of what would happen if she did.  She isn't supposed to run or do any sort of strenuous activity for a long time.  If she does it would probably mean another surgery.  Doing those things without the doctor's approval is just plain stupid. 
When people don't listen to those whoa re trying to tell them what is good for them and what they should do.  It's stupid.  When people are being corrected for something they have done wrong and they fail to heed the correction and go back to doing that stupid thing again. They're stupid!  When people, who know that worship is good for them, or that following Christ's commands to love and forgive are good things, or that they need to repent, and still they don't.  They're stupid!
And I, for one, am not afraid to tell you so!  People do it to me all the time, and I am thankful for it!  I love discipline and I know that it is good to listen to correction and follow it!  I pray that you do too!
Prayer:  Lord, help those who need to be corrected and disciplined to take it to heart and learn from it!  Amen.
What did Hiram King of Tyre do for Solomon? 2 Samuel 5:11   Hiram king of Tyre was a Phoenician king and the first to give the newly established King David  international recognition.  It was important to Hiram that he have good relations with the new king.  He sent to David cedar logs and carpenter and stonemasons to build a palace for David.

TODAY'S QUIZ: What did Solomon ask for when God told him to ask for anything he wanted?
Mon- Family Night 5:30-7
Tues- Quilting 9-2; No Bible study
Wed- Ladies Aid noon; Praise Band 6; Choir 7
Fri- Last day of school (1/2 day)
Sat- Worship 5
Sun- Worship 8:30 and 11; Sunday school 9:45
Acolyte-  8:30- Dustin Toedebusch; 11- Kailyn Blechle
Ushers-  8:30- George, Gary, and Ben Hoelscher, and Brent Davis

Altar- Set up- Lucille Luebke; Clean Up- Lynn Russell and Elaine Schauer
Communion Assistants- Sat- Dave Winter; 8:30- Rich Talbert; 11- Steve Robine

Greeters- 8:30- Sharon Spoede; 11- Mike and Naomi Johnson
Lay readers- Sat- Kathy Fischer?? 8:30- Jacob Nagel  11- Steve Robine
Organist: Melissa Pedersen
Pianist- Kathy Barrow
Projectionists: Sat- Pam Bueltmann; 8:30- Kailyn Blechle; 11am- Hannah Johnson
Elmer Wind with LCEF and Wind Architecture will be there to give direction and to help us to move forward and go in the right direction. 
Many signed up to attend and participate in this meeting yesterday, but all are welcome to attend to hear what he has to say and to understand the procedure we will be following for the future of the building program. 
Please let us know you are coming by replying to this email!  Thanks!
Our current organist, Melissa Pedersen, has accepted a call to teach in Fort Dodge, Iowa being in August.  Therefore we will need a new FULL TIME organist by then.  If you know of anyone who is available every Sunday, please give me their name and number!  THANK YOU!
Do you like little children?  Do you like to hold babies?  Do you want to help out our many young families that are joining church?   Here's your chance!
Karla Christophene
Dawn Frye
Jayme Vessell
Nicky Sellman
(If I had one more for this service it would be excellent, especially when there are 5 Sundays in a month and when the person scheduled can't make it.)
If you'd like to do the 8:30 service or Saturday night, please let me know! 
You don't have to be a mom to do this.  You just have to love kids and be able to take care of them for an hour on Sunday morning.
As much as I need to get in shape, this is more to raise money for   If you'd like to donate to this most worthy cause, go to the website, click on the donate button, find the space that says "Lead a Child Bible club, enter your amount and enter my name.  Then you can pay by check, e-check, or credit/debit card.
Thank you for your support!
If you have never been involved in one of our church activities (and even if you have), here is a new challenge for you!!  There will be a cake/dessert booth at the carnival on September 12!  The carnival will be open from 11am until dusk!  Donations of baked good and workers to man the booth will be needed!!  Desserts needing refrigeration cannot be accepted.  Work shifts will be for two hours beginning at 10am and will go till closing time.  To eliminate many, many phone calls, a sign up sheet has been placed on the narthex where you can volunteer!! 
Only a few spaces left!  Get those registrations in today!!  Get your registration forms from the preschool or from the church office.
Register online and have it swiped each time you shop. 
We are looking for ideas for carnival games and also donations of carnival game prizes for the vent.  Please donate prizes into the cardboard box in the narthex.  Also, if any one has an idea for a carnival game, or a game itself they would like to donate please contact Joanna Hoelscher at 636-485-0635 or Karla Christophene at 314-397-1375.

For CARA KLAUSTERMEIER who will be having surgery tomorrow at Mercy in Creve Couer, to repair her sunken ribcage.  She will be in the hospital the rest of the week and will be at home for a month at least.
For MARV HENDERSHOT who is home and recovering after a brief hospitalization due to weakness and illness.
For BONNIE FRENZIA, who is hospitalized with a mass on her lung.
For the family of ROSETTA JONES who passed from death to life last Wednesday.

For OUR DCE INTERN, KELSEY OVERBECK, that the Lord's will is done concerning her call to a church to be a full time DCE.


For LIL WINTER who has gone home to recover after surgery


For MOLLY HENDERSHOT who is at home and recovering well.


For DAVE KOHRS who has stopped receiving chemo treatments and has placed himself on hospice care. .


For DAVE TINNIN'S MOM, JANE, as she continues to recover from several strokes and seizures.
For WILMA WEIGLE as she is having a lot of difficulty with congestion and possible pneumonia. .

For DENISE SCHLESSELMANN as she continues to work hard to bring the people of the Czech Republic to Christ. .


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