Another very funny one to end your day



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Date:10/01/2014 4:12 PM (GMT-06:00)
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Subject: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: Fw: Sad News from Minnesota





Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth , Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota , Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crumby day and kneading a lift.

 

 

 


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Daily Devotion: Wednesday, October 1, 2014

DEVOTION: How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him!  Psalm 147:1
 
It is simply just GOOD to praise God.  Never mind the myriad reasons that we should.  It is just a wonderful thing that gives us joy and satisfaction!  It is fulfilling to sing praises to the Lord, not just on Sunday morning or Saturday night, but all the time, every day. 
 
Why is it, then, that some people neglect it?  Why is it that some would rather stay home away from the fellowship of His saints and His Word and Sacraments?   
 
I kind of get it.  The bed is soft and comfy.  Breakfast is good.  It feels nice to sit and read the paper or do whatever it is you would like to do on Sunday morning instead of waking up and getting dressed and forcing your kids to go and sit for an hour, especially when church is so boring..... 
 
COME ON!  Get over it!  Get over yourself!  You are going to GOD'S HOUSE!  You will be in GOD'S PRESENCE!  You will be receiving gifts directly from God.  It is good to sing praises to the Lord, because He is a marvelous, wonderful, caring, giving, loving, forgiving, merciful, gracious, and unlimited God! 
 
Those who say "I can worship God wherever I am".  COME ON!  I know you can and you should worship Him wherever you are, but where else can you be with other Christians, hear God's Word, receive His body and blood, and sing praises to God along with a hundred, or fifty, or even five other Christians?
 
Quit making excuses!  Quit telling yourself it's ok to skip worship!  Quit thinking that you're growing in your faith just fine without the church.  Get back to worship!  Get back to the GOOD things!
 
And, if you have been faithful, as most of you have, THANK YOU!!  Praise the lord for making you faithful!  Even better, keep praising the Lord for HIS faithfulness! 
 
Let us pray: Lord God thank you for giving us a church building, a fellowship of believers, and wonderful songs to sing!  Amen.
 
________________________________________________________________________________________________
YESTERDAY'S QUIZ:     What is "Sheol"?  It can also be called hell or just the place where unbelievers go before judgment day.
__________________________________________________________________________
TODAY'S QUIZ:  What does the word "Hallelujah" mean?
________________________________________________________________________________
CALENDAR:
Wed- Choir practice 7
Thurs- Alzheimers group 1pm; Karate 6:30pm
Sat- TFG Day trip to St Louis leaves at 7:45; Bible study 4pm; Worship 5
Sun- LWML Sunday worship 8:30; Bible Study and Sunday school 9:45; worship 11; Potluck and work day at noon
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
WORSHIP WORKERS FOR THIS WEEK

Acolytes- 8:30- Patrick Schaumberg 11- John Pezold
Altar guild- Set up- Cheri' Hofeldt; Clean Up-- Pam Linke
Greeters- 8:30- John and Joanne Hachtel; 11- Doug and Ruth Walters
Communion Assistants- Sat-  Randy Sweet; 8:30- Rich Boeger; 11- Charlie Figura
Lay Readers- Sat- Randy Sweet, 8:30- Betty Schirr, 11- Kailyn Blechle
8:30 Ushers- Coleen Bottorff, Linda Callies, Betty Schirr, Wanda Turnure
Projectors- Sat-- Pam Bueltmann; 8:30- Terry McKenzie, 11- Cara Klaustermeier

Pianists/organists Sat- Barb Dreyer;  Sun- Melissa Pedersen  11am- Molly Hendershot
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
NEWS:
POTLUCK AND WORK DAY THIS SUNDAY AT NOON!!!
We have lots of work to do and lots of things to get done.  Everyone can have a job to do!  If you haven't signed up please still come!!  Call the church office to let us know how many from your family are coming! 
 
JUST SHOW UP AND ENJOY GOOD FELLOWSHIP, GOOD FOOD, AND GOOD WORK!
 
Below are the projects that we will be working on at church
1. Dirt work in the swaile between the Linke's property and the parking lot
2. Work on the lights at the north end of the building
3. Trim bushes around church building
4. clean out storage areas by pavilion
5. narthex flooring (pull up carpet, fix subfloor, and put down new flooring)
6. cleaning projects all around church (pews, shelves, closets, etc.)
7. Write "Thinking of You" and other encouragements to soldiers, college students, and shut ins.
 
There are also some projects that we will be working on at Good Shepherd in Wright City
1. parking stops need to be lined up and pinned down to keep them from moving
2. landscaping in front of building
3. Removing weeds from playground
___________________________________________________________________
MEN'S RETREAT DATE IS SET FOR NEXT YEAR!
Mark your calendars for September 25-27, 2015!!  Make plans to attend!  You can go golfing, fishing, shooting, hiking, biking, brid watching, or napping!
_________________________________________________________________
 A NEW BEGINNER KARATE CLASS IS STARTING AT ST. JOHN'S THIS THURSDAY!!!
Check out all the info on the brand new  website!!  There are also intermediate and advanced classed available.  
http://familykaratecenterwest.webs.com 
_______________________________________________________________________________________
A NEW BIBLE STUDY ON HEAVEN WILL BE STARTING THIS WEEKEND!!  COME AND CHECK IT OUT! 
 On Oct. 4 and 5 we will be starting a new study titled  "What is heaven like?"  This study will be based on the Scriptures first and foremost and we will talk about the glory we will experience and the face to face contact we will have with Jesus. 
 
Get out of the dark and into the light when it comes to your knowledge about paradise!  Come and get all your questions answered! 
 
____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 
GROUP BUS TRIP FOR SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6 TO TOUR THE CATHOLIC RECTORY IN HERMANN AND GO TO OSAGE BEACH FOR DINNER AND A CHRISTMAS SHOW AT MAIN STREET MUSIC HALL!!
They are in need of more people to sign up!!  If they don't get enough people the trip will have to be canceled!!  Anyone can go!
__________________________________________________________________________
 
Kelsey updates our website weekly!  Check it out!!  www.stjohnwarrenton.org
__________________________________________________________________________________________
PRAYER REQUESTS:  (If you have a prayer request please reply to this email or call me at 636-359-1061)
For BILL WOOLF as he recovers from a broken ankle.  He is working with it.
For FRANCES LAMKIN, Sandra Perricone's aunt, who is dealing with many health issues.
 
For RICHARD LAMKIN, Sandra's uncle and Frances's husband who has been diagnosed with cancer.
 
For our NATION'S MILITARY LEADERS AND SOLDIERS as they figure out what to do about the imminent threats from ISIS.
 
For HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF CHRISTIANS IN THE MIDDLE EAST AND AFRICA, who are being persecuted to the point of death for their faith. 
 
 
 
 


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Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation

Something very funny to start your day!  We don't have any grandmas like this at St. John's do we? haha
 
 


 
                                thanksgiving-turkey-graphicsfairy003b.jpg (1028×1044)
       Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation....Priceless!
Dear Family,
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. Arrive late and you get what's left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives ...date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
                                      House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
 2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter Bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the Kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat:
You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
The election is over so I'll watch what I say about that idiot, and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, we'll have a good time. If not, I'll still have a good time but it will be at your expense. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.
Love You,
Grandma



 
.
 


 
                                thanksgiving-turkey-graphicsfairy003b.jpg (1028×1044)
       Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation....Priceless!
Dear Family,
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. Arrive late and you get what's left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives ...date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
                                      House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
 2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter Bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the Kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat:
You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
The election is over so I'll watch what I say about that idiot, and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, we'll have a good time. If not, I'll still have a good time but it will be at your expense. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.
Love You,
Grandma

I think I'm turning into grandma.

Helen
 


 
                                thanksgiving-turkey-graphicsfairy003b.jpg (1028×1044)
       Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation....Priceless!
Dear Family,
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. Arrive late and you get what's left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives ...date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
                                      House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
 2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter Bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the Kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat:
You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
The election is over so I'll watch what I say about that idiot, and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, we'll have a good time. If not, I'll still have a good time but it will be at your expense. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.
Love You,
Grandma



----- End forwarded message -----



--Forwarded Message Attachment--
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 10:00:03 -0500
From: dickstuercke@mindspring.com
To: dickstuercke@mindspring.com
Subject: Fw: Fwd: Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation

 

--Forwarded Message Attachment--
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 20:51:17 -0500
Subject: Fwd: Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation
From: hmroppel@gmail.com
To: hmroppel@gmail.com

I think I'm turning into grandma.

Helen
 


 
                               
       Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation....Priceless!
Dear Family,
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. Arrive late and you get what's left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives ...date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
                                      House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
 2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter Bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the Kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat:
You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
The election is over so I'll watch what I say about that idiot, and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, we'll have a good time. If not, I'll still have a good time but it will be at your expense. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.
Love You,
Grandma



--Forwarded Message Attachment--
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 20:51:17 -0500
Subject: Fwd: Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation
From: hmroppel@gmail.com
To: hmroppel@gmail.com

I think I'm turning into grandma.

Helen
 


 
                               
       Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation....Priceless!
Dear Family,
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. Arrive late and you get what's left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives ...date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
                                      House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
 2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter Bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the Kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat:
You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
The election is over so I'll watch what I say about that idiot, and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, we'll have a good time. If not, I'll still have a good time but it will be at your expense. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.
Love You,
Grandma



--Forwarded Message Attachment--
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 20:51:17 -0500
Subject: Fwd: Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation
From: hmroppel@gmail.com
To: hmroppel@gmail.com

I think I'm turning into grandma.

Helen
 


 
                               
       Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation....Priceless!
Dear Family,
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. Arrive late and you get what's left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives ...date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
                                      House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
 2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter Bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the Kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat:
You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
The election is over so I'll watch what I say about that idiot, and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, we'll have a good time. If not, I'll still have a good time but it will be at your expense. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.
Love You,
Grandma



--Forwarded Message Attachment--
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 20:51:17 -0500
Subject: Fwd: Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation
From: hmroppel@gmail.com
To: hmroppel@gmail.com

I think I'm turning into grandma.

Helen
 


 
                               
       Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation....Priceless!
Dear Family,
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. Arrive late and you get what's left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives ...date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
                                      House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
 2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter Bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the Kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat:
You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
The election is over so I'll watch what I say about that idiot, and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, we'll have a good time. If not, I'll still have a good time but it will be at your expense. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.
Love You,
Grandma