Some good clean funnies for your day

Some good clean funnies for your day!  Thanks Molly!

 

 

 

PALM SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"


CHILDREN'S SERMON
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !! "


SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."


FIRST TIME USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."

CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.


THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"


GRANDMA'S AGE 
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

 

DEATH 
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!"

 

 

 

 

--

Sent from Gmail Mobile

 

June is Stephen Ministry Month

Throughout the month of June we will be highlighting our Stephen Ministry program. 

 

Stephen Ministry is a caring ministry that is carried out by lay people.  It has been a part of St. John's in various forms and levels since 2003.  Many people have gone through the training and cared for others with their training.  These people are called "care givers".  Many more have benefitted from the help these people have provided.  These people are called "care receivers".  This is a tremendously beneficial ministry to both care giver and care receivers as both grow in faith and as man of them become friends if they weren't already. 

 

It is also a great benefit to our congregation for many different reasons!  Care givers learn how to be better Christian moms, dads, husbands, wives, friends, and church members.  The congregation grows as our community finds out how caring and loving we are as a congregation through this ministry.  It is a wonderful thing!

 

All this being said, we are in need of some new Stephen ministers.  It is a commitment, but the commitment is definitely worth it!  You will be blessed beyond measure if you go through the training and become a Stephen Minister.

 

Yesterday at our 8:30 worship Chrissy Groeber and Marcia Sevier were installed as our new Stephen Leaders!!  They will be starting a new Stephen Ministry training as soon as everyone who is interested signs up and a start date and time can be established. 

 

Please prayerfully consider this and then come to church this coming weekend and sign up or reply to this email and I will sign you up! 

 

Sent from Mail for Windows 10

 

Daily Email: Monday, June 5, 2017

DEVOTION:  Psalm 8  English Standard Version (ESV)

How Majestic Is Your Name

To the choirmaster: according to The Gittith.^[a] A Psalm of David.

8 O Lord, our Lord,
    how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory above the heavens.
²     Out of the mouth of babies and infants,
you have established strength because of your foes,
    to still the enemy and the avenger.

³ When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,
    the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
⁴ what is man that you are mindful of him,
    and the son of man that you care for him?

⁵ Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings^[b]
    and crowned him with glory and honor.
⁶ You have given him dominion over the works of your hands;
    you have put all things under his feet,
⁷ all sheep and oxen,
    and also the beasts of the field,
⁸ the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea,
    whatever passes along the paths of the seas.

⁹ O Lord, our Lord,
    how majestic is your name in all the earth!

 

This coming weekend is the celebration of the "Holy Trinity".  We will speak parts if not all of the Athanasian Creed, and we will talk about the magnificent mystery that is the theology of the Trinity.  It is something that God has revealed to us in His Word but on this side of heaven we will not understand it.

 

What's in a name anyway?  Does it really matter what we call God?  YES!  We must call Him who and what He is!  It is not up to us to make up names for God or to try to explain or fathom His existence.  We are only able to call God what He has revealed His name and His existence to be.  We can call Him Father, Son, and Holy Spirit because He has called Himself that.  We can call Him eternal, omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent because He has called himself that and has exhibited these attributes. 

 

We don't praise, honor, worship, and obey a god that we make up but THE GOD that is, was, and ever shall be. 

 

Prayer:  O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is Your name in all the earth!  Help me to submit to your holy name and holy will.  Amen.

 

 

_______________________________________________________________________

CALENDAR:

Tues- Quilting 9-2; Float Meeting 7pm

Wed- Youth Night Bible Study 6:30-7:30

Thurs- Choir 7pm; Karate 6:15-7:45; Lutheranism 101 6:30-7:30

Fri- 7-12 grade lock in 8pm-8am

Sat- Lock in ends 8am; Worship 5pm

Sun- Worship 8:30; Sunday school 9:45; Worship 11am; Elders meeting noon

______________________________________________________________________WORSHIP WORKERS FOR THIS WEEK:  
Acolyte- 8:30- Nova Luebke; 11- Kalene Masters

 

Ushers- Dave Callies, Marv Hendershot, Don Luebke, Don Nolte

 

Altar- Set up- Dave and Linda Callies; Clean Up- Wanda Turnure

 

Elders- Sat- Dave Winter; 8:30- ??? 11- Charlie Figura
 
Greeters-  8:30- Paul and Cindy Klover; 11- Mike and Naomi Johnson

Lay Readers- Sat- Roy Bohning; 8:30- Christy Winn; 11- Steve Robine

 

Organist- Rachel Fisher

 

Sat Pianist- Barb Dreyer

Projectionists: Sat- Perricone, 8:30- Yoder; 11- Sarah Cluver
________________________________________________________________

TODAY'S QUIZ : Who was Jezebel?

_____________________________________________________________

NEWS!!!!

PARADE FLOAT MEETING TOMORROW (TUESDAY), JUNE 6 AT 7PM!!

Would you like to participate in building a float to represent St. John's in our Fair Parade?  Come to this meeting to give your ideas.  We'd like to do something to commemorate the 500^th anniversary of the Reformation. 

___________________________________________________________

7-12 GRADE YOUTH FRIDAY 8PM- SATURDAY 8AM!! 

Please rsvp to let me know if you are coming and if you are bringing friends!  Bring $5 for pizza!

______________________________________________________________________

GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP BEGINNING THURSDAY, JUNE 15 AT 7PM!!

If you are mourning the loss of a loved one, whether the loss is new or not, you need support and people with whom you can share your sorrow and joy.  Please join us that evening to be a part of it.

___________________________________________________________________________

NO BIBLE STUDY AT HENDERSHOT'S IN JUNE!  They will be on vacation.  It will resume in July.

_______________________________________________________________________________

LITTLE LAMBS ENROLLMENT FOR THE 2017-2018 SCHOOL YEAR IS OPEN!!!!

 Student must be 3 for younger class  or 4 for older class by August 1.

$45 nonrefundable registration fee required.

Registration packets can be picked up at Little Lambs during school hours and in the church office during non-school hours. 

______________________________________________________________________________

OPERATION BACKPACK ITEMS COLLECTED FOR THE MONTH OF JUNE IS CANNED VEGETABLES!!

______________________________________________________________________________

AGAPE DONATIONS ALWAYS ACCEPTED!!

Any nonperishable food items, diapers, toiletries, etc.!!

 

Perishable food items can be taken directly to Agape at 713 Powell St. in Warrenton.  Call 456-4645 to find out when they're open or for more info.

___________________________________________________________________

PRAYERS: 

For CORA CLUVER as she continues to recover from complications after a colonoscopy.

 

For MARIANNE LINKE, as she continues to recover from heart surgery.

 

A prayer of thanksgiving for DANIELLE KRAMER, friend of many in the congregation, as she received a successful bone marrow transplant!

 

For FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF KEVIN BUXTON, a friend of many in the congregation, who is being laid to rest today. He was only 33 years old.

 

For SUE RUHL, as she continues to recover from a broken hip at Parklane rehab in Wentzville.

 

For PAT MANNESS as she is recovering from hand and wrist surgery at home.

 

For LOIS BOEGER'S MOM, EVELYN TOEDEBUSCH,  as she has been moved to Breeze Park for more extensive and round the clock care.  

 

ICYMI

In Case You Missed It: Here's part of our worship service for this past weekend including Don Nolte's solo and the sermon "Ascension Day".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ovcsg0h7mEw

 

 

Sent from Mail for Windows 10

 

Fwd: Volunteers Needed for AGAPE--June 24th

Hello!

 

AGAPE is participating in the Shop Out Hunger food collection day that will be taking place all across St. Louis. We will be collecting food at the Walmart in Warrenton on June 24^th. We are in need of volunteers to help us with this event!

 

Volunteers are need to take 2 hour shifts, between 8:45 and 4:15 on June 24^th. Volunteers will stand at the entrances to Walmart, hand shoppers a piece of paper and encourage them to make a food donation. It's really easy!

 

Attached is a flyer that you can post or share with your congregation. We would greatly appreciate your help in recruiting people to help make this day a success!

 

If you have any questions at all about this event, please don't hesitate to reach out to me at any time. Thanks!

 

-Michelle-

Michelle R. Bernth, MS

Executive Director
AGAPE

713 Powell St. | Warrenton, MO 63383

Office: 636-456-4645 x106

Cell: 636-866-8340

www.agapemo.org

 

Helping the hungry, hurting and homeless of Warren County

 

 

Daily Email: Thursday, June 1, 2017

DEVOTION:  John 7:37-39  English Standard Version (ESV)

Rivers of Living Water

³⁷ On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. ³⁸ Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'" ³⁹ Now this he said about the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were to receive, for as yet the Spirit had not been given, because Jesus was not yet glorified.

 

What does it mean when Jesus says "If anyone thirsts"?  Are you thirsty?  Should you be?   Is it even on your radar screen?  Do you spend any time thinking about these things?  The truth is that EVERYONE is thirsty.  It's just a matter of how one quenches that thirst. 

Jesus says to come to him when you are thirsty and drink of him!  I know, from experience, that nothing quenches a thirst for belonging, love, peace, purpose, or contentment like Jesus does.  You're always going to be looking for the next party or the next opportunity to get drunk or high.  You're always going to be wanting to buy the next thing.  You're always going to be searching for that next hook up, that next shallow relationship.  You're always going to be searching for that next achievement, that next promotion. 

When you "drink" of these things you'll always be thirsty again, usually immediately afterward.  When you "drink" of Jesus through his Word and Sacraments you will never be thirsty again.  The love, forgiveness, and peace of Jesus always completely satisfies! 

True worship and true fellowship with the saints in church is what satisfies!  Coming to God's house and hearing his Word, eating his body, drinking his blood, fellowshipping with his body (fellow Christians) is what truly fills you!  No amount of staying at home on Sunday is gonna make you feel better.  You can't stay away from God's Word and Sacraments and expect to be satisfied with your job, your stuff, your accomplishments.  You're always going to feel empty inside, and your tank is gonna run on empty all week without getting filled up on Jesus!

Take time to fill up your spiritual tank this week!  Take time to "drink" of Jesus and get your fill!!  Go to church!  Do devotions at home.  Pray without ceasing!  And when all is said and done, know that, by virtue of your baptism and faith in Christ, you are filled with the Spirit.  Let him live in you!  Let him thrive in you!  REST in his grace and peace! 

Prayer: Lord, thank you for promising and sending your Holy Spirit upon us.  Help us to partake of the gifts you give through which the Holy Spirit works so that we may grow daily in your grace.  Amen. _______________________________________________________________________

CALENDAR:

Thurs- Alzheimers Support Group 1pm; Karate 6:15-7:45; Lutheranism 101 6:30; CHOIR 7pm

 

Sat- Worship 5pm

 

Sun- Worship 8:30; Sunday school 9:45; Worship 11am; Shop w/ Scrip orders due

______________________________________________________________________WORSHIP WORKERS FOR THIS WEEK:  
Acolyte- 8:30- Loren Howard; 11- Gus Klaustermeier

 

Ushers- George, Gary, and Ben Hoelscher; and Brent Davis

 

Altar- Set up- Ruth Walters; Clean Up- Sandy Robine

 

Elders- Sat- Al Benton; 8:30- Roy Bohning 11- Jason Cluver??
 
Greeters-  8:30- John and Anna Hoenig; 11- Marv and Molly Hendershot

Lay Readers- Sat- Marcia Sevier; 8:30- Roy Bohning; 11- Stephanie Owenby

 

Organist- Ned Quest 

 

Sat Pianist- Kathy Barrow

Projectionists: Sat- Mauch, 8:30- McKenzie; 11- Savannah Masters
________________________________________________________________

YESTERDAY'S QUIZ :

Besides the Bible itself, where else could we find all the other events of Solomon's life from beginning to end if they were still available?  (Hint the answer is found at the same place as the record of Solomon's death.)

_____________________________________________________________

NEWS!!!!

PARADE FLOAT MEETING NEXT TUESDAY, JUNE 6 AT 7PM!!

Would you like to participate in building a float to represent St. John's in our Fair Parade?  Come to this meeting to give your ideas.  We'd like to do something to commemorate the 500^th anniversary of the Reformation. 

___________________________________________________________

NO BIBLE STUDY AT HENDERSHOT'S IN JUNE!  They will be on vacation.  It will resume in July.

_______________________________________________________________________________

LITTLE LAMBS ENROLLMENT FOR THE 2017-2018 SCHOOL YEAR IS OPEN!!!!

 Student must be 3 for younger class  or 4 for older class by August 1.

$45 nonrefundable registration fee required.

Registration packets can be picked up at Little Lambs during school hours and in the church office during non-school hours. 

______________________________________________________________________________

OPERATION BACKPACK ITEMS COLLECTED FOR THE MONTH OF MAY IS CANNED FRUIT!!

______________________________________________________________________________

AGAPE DONATIONS ALWAYS ACCEPTED!!

Any nonperishable food items, diapers, toiletries, etc.!!

 

Perishable food items can be taken directly to Agape at 713 Powell St. in Warrenton.  Call 456-4645 to find out when they're open or for more info.

___________________________________________________________________

PRAYERS: 

For CORA CLUVER, who is hospitalized with bleeding in her digestive tract, whose cause is still unidentified.

 

For MARIANNE LINKE as she is recovering well from heart surgery (a stent was put in) at home.

 

For SUE RUHL, as she continues to recover from a broken hip at Parklane rehab in Wentzville.

 

For PAT MANNESS as she is recovering from hand and wrist surgery at home.

 

For Dawn Frye's dad, WALTER BRADLEY, who has been diagnosed with cancer and will be undergoing intense radiation therapy.

 

For LOIS BOEGER'S MOM, EVELYN TOEDEBUSCH,  as she has been moved to Breeze Park for more extensive and round the clock care.  

 

For a FRIEND OF AL AND KAREN BENTON who is dealing with brain cancer.

 

For CAROL BRAZEE recovering from sinus surgery at home.

 

For MARILYN FOSTER as she prepares for her retirement.

 

For DANIELLE MEINE KRAMER, whose leukemia is back after a brief respite from it.  She had it for several years while in high school.  (She grew up riding Karin's school bus to school.)

 

For Mim Dunn's nephew DAVID HAHN who is off the treatments for a month and then he will have tests to see
how the cancer is doing.   He is still using the feeding tube.