Bulletin Typos that make them hilarious

SOME FUNNIES FOR YOUR DAY>
 
This just goes to show that correct grammar and punctuation does make a difference.
 

 

CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:  

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. --------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

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 - Paul

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

 DEVOTION:  Isaiah 65:17-25

¹⁷ "For behold, I create new heavens
    and a new earth,
and the former things shall not be remembered
    or come into mind.
¹⁸ But be glad and rejoice forever
    in that which I create;
for behold, I create Jerusalem to be a joy,
    and her people to be a gladness.
¹⁹ I will rejoice in Jerusalem
    and be glad in my people;
no more shall be heard in it the sound of weeping
    and the cry of distress.
²⁰ No more shall there be in it
    an infant who lives but a few days,
    or an old man who does not fill out his days,
for the young man shall die a hundred years old,
    and the sinner a hundred years old shall be accursed.
²¹ They shall build houses and inhabit them;
    they shall plant vineyards and eat their fruit.
²² They shall not build and another inhabit;
    they shall not plant and another eat;
for like the days of a tree shall the days of my people be,
    and my chosen shall long enjoy^[a] the work of their hands.
²³ They shall not labor in vain
    or bear children for calamity,^[b]
for they shall be the offspring of the blessed of the Lord,
    and their descendants with them.
²⁴ Before they call I will answer;
    while they are yet speaking I will hear.
²⁵ The wolf and the lamb shall graze together;
    the lion shall eat straw like the ox,
    and dust shall be the serpent's food.
They shall not hurt or destroy
    in all my holy mountain,"
says the Lord.

 

There's A LOT of people out there going through A LOT of junk today.  You may be reading this and have just said "Amen" to what you just read. 

 

I don't need to go through the litany of problems out there, you know them all too well.  I want to talk for a moment about the future.  Your future is bright!  Your future is fantastic!  Just look what Isaiah says about it in the reading above.  That is YOUR future if you just believe in Jesus your Savior! 

 

There are so many difficult things we go through that we just can't wait for the end.  Sometimes a whole life is like that.  Yet, we don't have to wait for it.  We don't simply have to endure it.  We can flourish!  We can persevere.  How?  By trusting the Lord and his promises and living in them. 

 I want to encourage you with  Christ words today.  Repent, for the Kingdom of heaven is near!  Enjoy your day in Jesus!

 

Let us pray:  Lord, help us to live in your Gospel rest today so that we may enjoy it and share that joy with others.  Amen.

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LAST TIME'S QUIZ: 

Where is Zion?  (and no I'm not talking about Zion Lutheran church in Harvester) 
The word Zion was first found in 2 Samuel 5:7.  It referred to a specific mountain near Jerusalem.  It is a Jebusite fortress

of the same name (Zion) and was captured by David and renamed the City of David.

 

Zion refers to the land of Israel and its capital Jerusalem

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TODAY'S QUIZ:  Who was Sennacherib?
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CALENDAR:
Tues- Quilting 9-2; Bible Study 11:30-12:15; Council meeting 7pm
Sat- Worship 5
Sun- Worship 8:30 and 11; Sunday school 9:45
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WORSHIP WORKERS:  
Acolyte-  8:30- Dawn Sherman; 11- Kailyn Blechle
Ushers-  Marv Hendershot, Don Luebke, Dave Callies, Don Nolte
Altar- Set up- Marilyn Foster and Sue Ruhl; Clean Up- Don and Ann Panhorst
Communion Assistants- Sat- John Hachtel; 8:30- Rich Talbert; 11- Jim Rahn
Greeters- 8:30- Don Nolte; 11- Dan and Lisa Rausch
Lay readers- Sat- John Hachtel 8:30- Allan Dreyer  11- Jim Rahn
Sat. Pianist- Molly Hendershot
Sun Pianist- none
Projectionists: Sat- ?????; Sun- 8:30- Schaumberg; 11-??????
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NEWS:

IT'S ORGANIST MELISSA PETERSEN'S LAST SUNDAY THIS SUNDAY
Please feel free to bring cards, letters, and gifts of thanks for her faithful service to us over the last three years. 
 
She is moving to Fort Dodge, Iowa to resume her full time teaching career.
 
Rachel Fischer will begin as our new organist on August 9.  
 

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THANK YOU AND SUPPORT LUNCHEON FOR DENISE SCHLESSELMANN SUNDAY, AUGUST 2 AT NOON!!

Everyone is invited, but we'd like you to either sign up on the sheet in the narthex by this coming Sunday or call the church office to let us know you are coming so we have a good idea of who will be there. 

 

Denise will be sharing what she has experienced in her ministry over the last year and what she will be doing in the year to come. 

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SEVENTH ANNUAL GOLF OUTING WILL BE HELD ON SATURDAY, AUGUST 8 AT COUNTRY LAKES!!!  SIGN UP TODAY!!

 

Cost is $50 per person

 

Format is a 2 TWO person scramble this year. 

 

Registration at 7am

 

Shotgun start at 8am

 

Lunch and prizes at 1pm

 

Holes can be sponsored for $50 each.

 

All proceeds go to benefit our wonderful Little Lambs preschool.

 

Flyers are available on the counter in the narthex for those wishing to participate.

Call Alan Hofeldt at 456-3070 or the church office at 456-2888 to sign up you and 

 

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RED CROSS BLOOD DRIVE HERE AT CHURCH ON TUESDAY, JULY 28!!

Volunteers are needed before the drive to make calls and set up appointments and the day of the drive to help out.  DONORS are also needed of course!  If you can help in any way call 456-2888 to let Marilyn know.

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CALLING ALL BAKERS!!!
If you have never been involved in one of our church activities (and even if you have), here is a new challenge for you!!  There will be a cake/dessert booth at the carnival on September 12!  The carnival will be open from 11am until dusk!  Donations of baked good and workers to man the booth will be needed!!  Desserts needing refrigeration cannot be accepted.  Work shifts will be for two hours beginning at 10am and will go till closing time.  To eliminate many, many phone calls, a sign up sheet has been placed on the narthex where you can volunteer!! 

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DO YOU HAVE A KROGER CARD?  ENROLL IT IN THE COMMUNITY REWARDS PROGRAM!!!
Register online and have it swiped each time you shop. 
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SAVE THE DATE!!!!  OUR FIRST ANNUAL FALL CARNIVAL WILL BE HELD SEPTEMBER 12, 2015!!!
We are looking for ideas for carnival games and also donations of carnival game prizes for the event.  Please donate prizes into the cardboard box in the narthex.  Also, if any one has an idea for a carnival game, or a game itself they would like to donate please contact Joanna Hoelscher at 636-485-0635 or Karla Christophene at 314-397-1375.

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PRAYER REQUESTS: 

For DICK PETERSON, as he and Nancy travel to South Dakota  to see their son in law get ordained.

 

For MARIANNE LINKE as she continues to recover slowly from weakness. shortness of breath, and severe arthritis troubles. 

 

For DENISE SCHLESSELMANN as she is in the USA for a short furlough and as she travels to gain more support for her mission work.

 

For CORA CLUVER'S DAD, who is recovering from a severe motorcycle accident that paralyzed him from the neck down.  

 

For DAVE AND CAROL KOHRS, who are BOTH on hospice care.

 

For OUR DCE INTERN, KELSEY OVERBECK, that the Lord's will is done concerning her call to a church to be a full time DCE.

 

For WILMA WEIGLE as she continues to deal with the after effects of a severe stroke almost two years ago.